Hanji This Is All Your Fault
by VioletDragonian
Summary: When Levi gets the bright idea to write a story, Hanji finds it and lets the entire Scouting Legion read it. Mikasa decides she really liked the story, and pesters Levi constantly for more chapters on it while also slowly becoming a ninja. And all the while, Hanji is turning everyone into animals. This is just not Levi's month, is it? (PRETTY MUCH PURE CRACK AND I OWN NOTHING)


-Day One-

* * *

Levi stared at the paper on his desk, dumbstruck from what it said. He didn't even bother to hold back the stupid expression that crossed his face, since his office was empty and the paper was stupid enough he didn't really care anyway.

He picked the paper up again, reading it for the seventh time just to see if it was serious or maybe one of those brats was pranking him. But no one ever dared prank him, and it was, sadly, completely serious.

Hanji was set loose and allowed to experiment with DNA.

Hanji was supposed to stick with Titans and Eren for said experiments.

Hanji was not given permission to turn Armin into a rabbit.

Hanji was also not given permission to turn Eren into a dog.

Hanji was most definitely not given permission to set them both loose in his perfectly clean castle.

He couldn't handle it. The brat and his friend were animals, running around loose in the castle somewhere and undoubtedly making a huge mess while Hanji and Mikasa searched for them. A light thud sounded throughout the room as his face met the desk.

"Uh, corporal?" He didn't bother to look up at the sound of Petra's voice, come to bring him his tea no doubt. "Are you okay?"

"First, I give up. Second, remind me to kill Hanji later. Third, please tape a 'never allow the Titan-crazed mad scientist to experiment with DNA ever again' sign to Erwin's face."

"Oh." He heard the sound of a cup being set down on the desk beside his head. "Maybe you should take a break?"

"Hmm. This is stupid enough they might just let me make her deal with her own mess." Levi sat up, and took some red ink from a desk drawer before writing in big, bold letters at the bottom of the report page.

_**DEAL WITH IT YOURSELF**_

Petra laughed lightly as he set it on the 'finished' stack of paperwork. "You know what, Levi? You should pick up an artistic hobby to distract you from things like that."

"... What."

"Maybe you should try out creative writing?" She suggested. "Oh! I needed to go help Gunther with something twenty minutes ago! See you later, corporal."

And with that, she vanished from the room. Levi stared at the door. _Creative writing, huh? Eh, it's worth trying._

* * *

-Still Day One-

* * *

"Nope."

Levi did not like this. His writing was fine at first, but then his main character got to a point where she was trapped and he really couldn't figure out how to word her escape. With an annoyed sigh, he took the stack of papers that was his story and set it on the far end of the desk, which was clean and free of other papers by this point, the reports having been retrieved by Erwin hours ago.

He sighed, and leaned back in his chair. He was close to falling asleep when the door to his office was slammed open, jolting him fully awake again and he looked up to glare into the pair of glasses on the face of the annoying woman now standing in front of his desk.

"Hi Levi!" Hanji shouted excitedly, way too loudly for his growing headache.

"You've got a lot of nerve showing up here so soon after setting animals loose in this place." Levi growled, trying to make his glare even scarier. It didn't work.

"Oh, hush, it's fine." She waved her free hand. "We caught them, and look how cute they are!"

She then held up a blond rabbit with big blue eyes, and Levi couldn't help but feel sorry for what he could only guess was Armin, who looked absolutely traumatized.

"Where's the other one?" He asked, defeated.

"Mikasa took him outside. I think he's currently gone swimming and she's trying to catch him, but the lake is kinda big..." Hanji said, adjusting her glasses in thought. "He doesn't seem to be himself at all, just an overexcited dog. Armin here is acting exactly like himself, though!"

Levi stared as she hugged the poor rabbit, who still looked completely traumatized. "Whatever you do, do not let that brat back in here without giving him a bath. And stop squeezing the rabbit, he looks scared enough already."

"Okay, we'll bathe Eren." Hanji agreed, loosening her grip on Armin, and Levi saw the rabbit shoot him an appreciative look. "Also, I think it'll wear off in a day or two, so you won't have to deal with them as animals for too long."

"You _think?_" Levi growled.

"Hey you should hold him!" Hanji held Armin out again. Levi didn't move. "Come on, he's so fluffy."

"No."

Hanji got a crazy look on her face, and started lowering the rabbit toward the desk.

"Don't you dare."

Armin looked terrified.

"Hanji, I swear-"

She put him on the desk.

"... I'm going to kill you."

Hanji smirked, before her eyes were drawn to the lone stack of papers on his desk. "Oooooh, what's that?"

"Nothing, don't touch it." He gave her a dangerous look.

"Oh?" She inched toward the papers.

"You're digging your own grave right now." He warned.

"Hehe." Hanji moved faster than Levi thought she could, snatching up the stack of papers and darting out of the room before he could catch her.

"Damn her." Levi rolled his eyes and looked down.

She forgot Armin.

_God damn it._

"Fine, come here brat. Let's go find somewhere free of insane scientists to put you until this wears off." Levi said, picking up the blond rabbit and holding him a lot more carefully than Hanji had, much to Armin's obvious relief, and left the room.

* * *

-Day Four-

* * *

A few days later, and Levi was back in his office, writing. Hanji may have snatched his story, but he remembered where he'd left off and figured out how to continue, also it was annoying and he wanted to write it.

He'd ended up giving Armin to Jean. There was no place anywhere in the headquarters where he'd have been safe alone, so the rabbit needed a person to keep an eye on him, but Mikasa was already busy with Eren, Connie probably didn't know the first thing about taking care of rabbits, and he was afraid Sasha would get the bright idea to try and eat him. Therefore, Jean had been in charge of taking care of rabbit-Armin.

Petra brought his tea, smiling when she noticed he'd taken her advice and started writing. "Has it helped any?"

Levi shrugged. "I have absolutely no idea."

In truth, he'd been thinking about it way too much and coming up with ideas for the story constantly, and it was incredibly annoying and was giving him a headache, but he wasn't in the mood to tell her that.

He sighed when there was a knock at the door. He really couldn't get a break, could he? He waved at Petra to let in whoever it was, and a moment later Armin walked into the room, luckily human again.

"What do you want?" Levi grumbled, a bored look on his face.

"Well, this showed up in the barracks this morning and I thought it looked awfully familiar..." The blond said, holding up a small stack of papers. Levi immediately facepalmed.

"It was in the _barracks?_" He sighed. "Okay, who all read it?"

Armin was quiet for a moment before answering. "Er... Everyone, sir."

"WHAT?!" Levi asked, surprise obvious on his face.

Petra raised a hand sheepishly. "Not just them, corporal. Hanji read it first, and gave it to Erwin, who gave it to Mike, and he gave it to me and the rest of your squad, and then Oluo left it on a table somewhere and it was then probably found by one of Armin's friends."

"So basically everyone in the entire Scouting Legion has read it?" Levi looked annoyed.

"Pretty much, yeah."

"Alright, don't mind me, I'm just going to go put Hanji six feet under."

"Er..." Armin shifted his feet slightly. "She uh, well apparently something went wrong in her lab and something else exploded, and uh..."

"Just spit it out already." The corporal snapped.

"She's a squirrel." Armin finally said.

"Oh my GOD." Levi yelled.

* * *

-Day Five-

* * *

Levi's story was now in a neat little binder, at least looking slightly like a book now. It sat on one edge of his desk while he wrote on some new pages to go in it, and he was surprisingly less annoyed by it now. Writing was maybe a little bit fun, maybe. He'd never admit it though.

He was too absorbed in the paper in front of him and the battle his main character was currently in to notice someone had entered his office and walked up to his desk until they spoke.

"More?"

"Eh?" Levi looked up, first seeing a red scarf and then black hair- oh, it was her. "What do you want?"

"Next chapter." Mikasa gestured toward the binder. "Gimme."

"Ugh, fine." Levi grumbled, and handed her the binder, which did indeed have a new chapter in it.

"Kthanksbye." And with that, Mikasa practically vanished in a puff of smoke. Not really, but almost.

"I swear she's a ninja." He rolled his eyes and went back to writing.

* * *

-Day Six-

* * *

Levi was in his own little world, perfectly at ease and actually quite happy, which was rare. He almost hummed as he wiped smudges off the window, but decided against it because humming was stupid.

After a few minutes, he decided he was satisfied with the state of the window and turned to move on to that annoying spider web he'd spotted on the ceiling earlier, completely forgetting it was totally out of his reach, probably even if he used a chair and a broom.

As soon as he turned around, though, he came face to face with a certain scarf-wearing female (again) and nearly jumped out of his skin since the room had been completely empty a few minutes prior.

"Chapter?"

Levi sighed. "Fine, it's been added to the binder, which is in my office."

She nodded and vanished again.

* * *

-Day Seven-

* * *

Levi yawned as he sat down beside Petra at their usual table in the mess hall, setting his plate down in front of him. He was just about to take a bite out of a surprisingly tasty-looking biscuit when he felt a sudden presence behind him, immediately followed by...

"Next chapter?"

"No." He answered.

"But... But..." Mikasa protested.

"I've had too much work lately to write anything of my own." Levi explained. "You'll just have to deal with it and be patient."

"Fine." She grumbled, and stalked off.

"Wow..." Petra stared. "Does this happen often?"

"Every. Day." He growled back.

Petra just gave him a sheepish look. "Oops."

* * *

-Day Twelve-

* * *

"Ugh." Levi groaned, and dropped his quill in annoyance. This was annoying.

He stared at the blank page in front of him, unable to think of even one word to start off the chapter with. He just couldn't, the story refused to flow. Petra had told him a few days ago that this was called "Writer's block", whatever the hell that meant. Giving up, he leaned back and looked at the ceiling.

Or, the not-ceiling. In fact it looked more like his annoying scarf-wearing shadow.

"GET YOUR DIRTY BOOTS OFF THE BACK OF MY CHAIR."

"CHAPTER."

"I'VE GOT WRITER'S BLOCK."

"DON'T CARE WRITE IT ANYWAY."

"ARGH!"

* * *

-Day Thirteen-

* * *

Levi wrote again, finally. The words flowed onto the page like he wanted, and he came up with long paragraphs and sentences without really thinking, making up most of it as he went. And at least Mikasa was leaving him alone for a few hours so he could finish the chapter she so desperately wanted.

A scratching at the door got his attention, and with a confused look he set his quill down and moved to see what it was.

Opening the door, he found himself looking at a yellowish blond... Wolf? The tips of its ears faded to a dark brown, and the fur at the top of its head was brushed in a style Levi recognized. He groaned.

"She got you too, Erwin?"

* * *

-Day Fourteen-

* * *

Words flowing easily, Levi continued writing, quill scratching back and forth across the paper at lightning speed as if trying to keep pace with the story as it unfolded in his head.

He looked up at a funny sound from Erwin, seeing the wolf commander staring at him from his spot beside a bookshelf on a folded blanket. He didn't have to be able to talk for Levi to tell he was questioning the amount of time he spent writing.

"Shut up I have a stalker."

* * *

-Day Fifteen-

* * *

Erwin gave a confused bark, and Levi looked up, only to notice Mikasa had appeared out of nowhere and was now staring at him from across his desk.

"Chapter."

"It's not finished yet."

"Hurry up then."

"I will when you shut up."

"Chaaaaaaaaapteeeeeeer." Mikasa hissed. Erwin howled.

"... You just had to set him off." Levi growled as Erwin continued howling.

* * *

-Day Sixteen-

* * *

"At least this is your last day as a wolf, Erwin." Levi noted, continuing to write. The furry commander nodded.

A thud and then a tapping on the window made them both look up, only to see the infamous chapter ninja hanging against the side of the castle, smushing her face against the glass as she peered into the room.

"Chapter." The sound was muffled, but they heard her.

"Come and get it." Levi said, waving the binder and drew the curtains before turning back to his paper.

Mikasa then appeared inside the room, snatched the binder, and disappeared with a poof.

And that was the day Levi finally convinced Erwin that Mikasa really was either a ninja or not human.

* * *

-Day Seventeen-

* * *

Mikasa watched him like a hawk all day. All. Day. He kept looking back and glaring, trying to make his glare say _do you expect me to write on horseback?_ And she would nod.

This was going to be a long expedition.

* * *

-Day Twenty-

* * *

Levi sat in his office, doing paperwork. Not writing. Paperwork. After watching him do nothing but write for three days straight, the first thing Erwin did after turning human again was yell at Levi and make him go back to actually working.

He was more inclined to listen to Erwin than Mikasa, anyway.

* * *

-Day Twenty One-

* * *

Still doing paperwork, Levi didn't notice Mikasa somehow morph out of the shadows behind him until she was leaning over his shoulder.

"Get writing, shorty."

Despite being incredibly creeped out, Levi promptly threw her out the window.

* * *

-Day Twenty Two-

* * *

"You have got to be kidding me." Levi stared at the small black fox that suddenly appeared out of nowhere and was now sitting on his desk in front of him. Her red scarf looked long enough for her short paws to trip over.

She yipped, and it sounded suspiciously similar to "Write."

He stood, and set up the blanket that had served as wolf Erwin's bed previously, then looked down at the teeny fox Mikasa as she made her way over to it.

"Heh, who's the shorty now?"

"Write."

* * *

-Day Twenty Three-

* * *

Levi wanted nothing more than to bash his head against a wall.

Repeatedly.

Mikasa sat in the corner and yipped constantly, getting closer and closer to actual words each time. He was about ready to put a muzzle on her when she figured out how to make her yips sound like "Chapter.", "Story." and "Shorty." The last two being similar enough that he wasn't sure when she was insulting him or just making more noise.

"Chapter."

"Chapter."

"Chapter."

"Chapter!"

"Chapter!"

"Chapter!"

…

"**CHAPTER!"**

That was when he finally dragged her out of the room and gave her to Jean.

* * *

-Day Twenty Six-

* * *

"You're such a jerk."

Levi looked up when Mikasa poofed into existence in the middle of his office. He raised an eyebrow.

"You gave me to Jean!"

"... So?"

"HE TIED BOWS IN MY HAIR."

Levi snorted. "You should have shut up then."

She was silent for a minute before "Chapter?"

"I've got something better."

Mikasa tilted her head. Levi tossed the binder at her.

"It's finished. Go have fun reading the last five chapters."

She vanished instantly.

* * *

-Day Thirty-

* * *

"It's good to finally have that over and done with." Levi mentioned.

"I'm sure it is." Petra said. "Sorry for causing all of that."

"It was sort of fun to write a story, at least." Levi waved her off. "Everyone getting turned into animals, however..."

He glared at Hanji.

"Hey, it was just an experiment." She raised her hands in defeat.

"One that lasted a month. At least Erwin finally banned you from that specific experiment." Levi sounded relieved.

"But I never accomplished my end goal of it!" Hanji complained.

"And that was?" Petra asked.

"To turn Levi into a cat!" The scientist explained. "But the turn is caused by any emotion felt in extremity, and he never felt anything strong enough... Not even with Mikasa bugging him."

Levi just groaned. It's official, he decided; Hanji is absolutely insane.

Suddenly Mikasa appeared out of nowhere. Again.

"What do you want now?" He growled.

"Sequel."

…

…

…

"ARRGHHH GOD **-CENSORED-**"

And then Levi turned into a cat.

* * *

-The End-

* * *

**A/N: Right okay, better explain**

**Basically, me and my sister are going to cosplay Levi and Mikasa, so it's kind of a running joke that we 'are' Levi and Mikasa. Anyway, when I'm writing my other fic, Wings of Freedom, this is basically what happens. So, I decided to make Levi a writer and have Mikasa pester him constantly for more chapters of his story, yay!**

**I also threw in everybody getting turned into animals for some reason...**

**Anyway, I've been working on this for the past three hours and it is now seven AM so I'm not even going to bother proofreading or editing this because I'm tired and want sleep. I do know it becomes progressively more crack as it goes on, but whatev, writing it gave me a good laugh.**

**I literally came up with pretty much this entire thing as I went. Can't wait to read it tomorrow and see how insane my mind is at 4-7 AM *derp face***

**EDIT: Alright, I reread it, and it's surprisingly devoid of typos or painfully bad grammar. I did forget one paragraph in day four, so I added that, and I restructured a sentence in day twenty six. This story is officially finished yay**


End file.
